PANCREAS (May 15 to Jun...oh, let's say 22) This is a good week to bake muffins at altitudes higher than 14,000 feet. Consider making a new friend, preferably one who won't embarass you in restaurants by making loud snorts and clucks.
CRANBERRY (June 23 to July 3) That great-looking power broker you've had your eye on just started dating a squash pro. Oh well, it looks like you got shot down again. You're really a loser at love.
MANGE (July 4) Avoid violent anti-capitalist insurrection this week. This is a good time to put down those readings of Marx and Trotsky, and to really feel good about the ol' red, white, and blue.
FATTY ACID (July 5 to August 17) Due to planetary conflicts, your sign has been accidentally deleted. Until this situation is remedied by the proper celestial entities, why not forge a new birth certificate under a different sign? (Don't pick PANCREAS though - you should see what's in store for them next week!)
PROTOZOA (August 18 to September 12) Be wary of any clones that you have made of yourself in the last twenty-four hours. Avoid dishpan hands, especially if you live alone, or with a mollusk.
FLAMINGO (September 12 to mid-December) It's time to confront that crisis that's been threatening your life for the last month or so. Try a new breath mint. At all costs, avoid the Greek alphabet.
CADAVER (The rest of December to February 3) * If you're planning a holiday, don't leave out Fitzwilliam, New Hampshire, as a possible stop-over or final destination. Exclude curry dishes and fine Italian chianti from your diet this week.
RAWHIDE (February 4 to April 2) It's a good week to break promises, commit lewd acts, and in any way harm your fellow creatures. Then make it up to them by reupholstering their cars and living rooms with shocking-pink nylon.
DIRIGIBLE (Those born against their will) Sell your stamp collection. Bring the world to its knees. Slurp loudly tonight at dinner. Convert yourself to the metric system. Wear a hotdog as a tie. Divest.
LIMPKIN (Those born by contractual obligation) A supernova in a distant galaxy has opened new career paths for you. Take advantage of this once-in-a-half-life opportunity, and seek employment in organized crime or at an artificial turf dealership.
MAN-HOUR (Those not yet born, or born in a funny position) Don't trust anyone, not even yourself. Stay inside and keep your doors and windows locked. Carry a loaded shotgun on your person. Begin to hoard canned food and medical supplies. Don't pick up the phone. Don't respond to any chain letters or enter in any sweepstakes, even if you may have already won a fabulous prize.
The Status Line; Summer 1986; page 2
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